And now we wait...
Computers are incredibly fast, accurate and stupid. Human beings are incredibly slow, inaccurate and brilliant. Together they are powerful beyond imagination.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
It is impolite to speak with your mouth full. It should be impolite to speak with you brain empty.
It works? Get away!
I've already completed all urgent and difficult stuff, I'm currently working on the impossible, For the miracles, give me a couple of hours.
So innovative that even we don't know what we're doing.
Our solution will be part of your problem.
We utilized a copper-based circular binary random number generator to calculate our decisions.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.
When the crap hits the fan a mop is not enough!
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I don't think I'm better than others, it just so happens that so far, statistically, I am.
Can a person know that he is confused about being confused when he is confused about being confused by a confusing comment?
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to
Of course my job looks easy; I'm doing it
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem
It is bad luck to be superstitious
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
Infertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, you probably won't have any either.
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying for us who do.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy!
I want a ""do it for me"" button that pushes itself
Smoke detectors do not make good oven timers.
Don't you just hate rhetorical questions?
I can't grow up. I'm too old.
If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be fertilizing it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
If the thought of doing something makes me giggle for at least 15 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it
If all else fails, lower your standards
Don't you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't have any solutions, but I certainly admire the problem.
Take my advice, I'm not using it.
You're only young once. After that you need another excuse.
Please solve your problems in advance so that we can help you better.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the problem.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
It is better to light one candle than curse the darkness.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense.
It is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Never confuse hospitality with endurance.
It's better to change your shoes than to carpet the world.
Let's get some chaos into this confusion
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
People ask me why I play with computers at home when I use them at work. They don't understand I play with computers at work, too.
As easy as 3.1415926...
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
In a universe so full of wonder, we still find a way to become bored.
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
If you can't be kind, be vague.
no brainer: A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
I don't have an anger problem. I have an idiot problem.
I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
We are all going to die. I intend to deserve it.
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Mistakes are not always regrets.
Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. If so, be ready to face the reality.
It if was easy to do, we'd find someone cheaper than you to do it.
It's Monday; everything will probably not be okay.
Sure, I talk to myself, and willingly admit it. It doesn't mean I'm crazy... just that I appreciate intelligent conversations and know where to find one.
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
There comes a point when you have to realize you'll never be good enough for some people. The question is...is that your problem or theirs?
I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
Don't waste time thinking about all the things you've done wrong in the past, think of all the things you still have time to screw up in the future.
The problem with computers is that they do exactly what they are told.
Ignorance can be fixed; stupid is forever.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Sometimes in life I just want to press pause and yell, "SERIOUSLY?!"
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
We've done so much with so little for so long that now we can do everything with nothing forever.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
Do what you think is interesting, do something that you think is fun and worthwhile, because otherwise you won't do it well anyway.
For best results, avoid doing stupid things.
A bend in the road, is not the end of the road, unless you fail to make the turn.
But if I learn from my mistakes, it'll take the fun out of making them again.
Some people say that computer science people are anti-social, I think we're just anti-stupid. The distinction is easy to miss.
Some days you just don't have enough middle fingers.
I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Your reasoning is excellent; it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
You can't reason where reason doesn't live.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative
For a moment there it all made sense...
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
You can agree with me or you can be wrong.
Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.<br>Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
Brain on vacation, body on autopilot.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Predictions are difficult, especially about the future.
Don't think twice. If you didn't get it the first time then you're not going to get it the second time.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Is it a bad sign if you spend the day wondering why there are no laws against what you do for a living?
The difference between theory and practice is that in theory there is no difference, but in practice there is.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
Crankiness....for me it's just as natural as morning
What you think you become.
It's ok to re-invent the wheel, but I hate hearing people argue about how many corners it should have.
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough for sarcasm.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I've got the statistics in on how much I care...the numbers are dangerously low!
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I'm destined for greatness; I'm just pacing myself.
Confuse people: use logic, cite facts.
Education is a cure-all solution.
Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
My two favorite colors are "Ooooh" and "SHINY!"
My life is based on a true story
I can't brain today. I have the dumb.
This mind intentionally left blank
Some folks just aren't cut out to be normal...
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring
Insanity is hereditary--you get it from your kids
Parenthood: life without an off switch, a pause button, a rewind button, or a volume control
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.
He who knows not and knows he knows not is a wise man. He who knows not and knows not he knows not is a fool.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
This discussion is reinventing the wheel, the lever, and the inclined plane.
Perfection is achieved not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing left to take away.
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply.
All people who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
May you live a thousand years, and I, one day less, so that I might never know the world without the pleasure of your company.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
All progress is precarious, and the solution of one problem brings us face to face with another problem.
Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable...
Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering,
and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated
individuals. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in
it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without
protesting against it is really cooperating with it. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
The worst thing about some people is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
if there's one thing i hate it's everything.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
Health nuts are going to feel awfully stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea; massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling
amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing.
Half of what I know today will be obsolete in five years--I'd just like to know which half
The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.
Theory is when you know everything and nothing works. Practice is when things work, and no one knows why. Here we combine theory and practice. Nothing works and no one knows why.
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
I got us into this mess, and I'll dig us deeper.
A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5.
The best way to get accurate information on the internet is to post something wrong and wait for corrections.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Accept that your life will never be normal and go from there
We the unwilling, lead by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.
I'm a normal person like everybody else, just better in every way.
Never argue with idiots. They'll just bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
You can't scare me. I have kids.
Don't tell me not to burn my candle at both ends--just tell me where to get more wax.
My mind wanders and sometimes leaves completely.
I don't suffer from insanity. I'm a carrier.
The Two Rules 1) Don't tell people everything you know
Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler
Lead me not into temptation--I can find it for myself
You can fly, but that cocoon has to go
Everyone is a fool for at least five minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit
Go sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
Never let any mechanical device know you're in a hurry
If you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Think of what you would do if you knew you wouldn't fail.
Charity is a virtue not an organization.
The person who says it can't be done shouldn't interrupt the person who is doing it
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I support everyone's right to be an idiot. I may need it myself someday.
When you're in a hole, stop digging
It's not the law, it's just a good idea
The large print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
Sounds like you have a nut loose behind the keyboard.
Come on, brain! You & me together....
Don't take life seriously. It isn't permanent.
I'm having a mid-week experience
Growing old is mandatory--growing up is optional
A closed mouth gathers no feet
I am not a minority. I am an outnumbered majority.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that fire departments generally use water
Warning: Whimsical when bored
Things improve with age. I'm approaching MAGNIFICENCE.
Speak the truth even if your voice trembles
I may rise, but I refuse to shine
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
It's funny because it's out of context
I'm the world's foremost authority on my own opinion
Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.
It's ok to do the right thing, as long as you don't get caught.
Never ask a barber whether you need a haircut
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
If it isn't broke, we'll fix it until it is.
Difficult? I can make you beg for difficult.
Go on and try it. The worst you can do is make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.
Be yourself--it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it
It's not what they call you, it's what you answer to.
If it doesn't work, use a bigger hammer. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.
It's possible to use karate against a swarm of plankton--but it won't help.
Things will go on as they always have; that is to say, badly.
Make love, not war, but be prepared for both
Give up on pessimism. It doesn't work anyway.
We can be knowledgeable with other men's knowledge, but we cannot be wise with other men's wisdom.
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Life isn't always fair, but it shouldn't cheat that much
Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful
We put the backward into backward compatible
You've got to kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight
What we do is never understood, but only praised and blamed.
You could be unstoppable. If you could just get started.
Never use a tool that's more intelligent than you are
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
Think twice before you speak. Then say nothing.
Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got.
My mind is made up; don't confuse me with facts
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
If you know how to laugh at yourself, you will never cease to be amused.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Your opinions may seem crazy, but they all make sense. Insane sense, but sense nonetheless.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, and now you know why.
Work will win when wishing won't.
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
If you're looking for a helping hand, look first at the end of your arm.
Strong people are harder to kill than weak people and more useful in general.
I can't make you do anything, but I can make you wish you had.
You are not responsible for the programming you picked up in childhood. However, as an adult, you are one hundred percent responsible for fixing it.
Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly
You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.
Experience is what lets you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Success is the best form of revenge.
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool
I'll doublecross that bridge when I come to it
The breakfast of champions is not cereal, it's the opposition.
A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
It's ok to disagree with me. However, once I explain where you're wrong, you're supposed to become enlightened and change your mind. Congratulating me on how smart I am is optional.
Long periods of drought are always followed by rain.
A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
Computers are very user-friendly. They're just picky about who they're friendly with.
The first step in making your dreams come true is waking up.
Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.
Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.
Don't read everything you believe.
Some people are very decisive when it comes to avoiding decisions.
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.
If you can't make it, go from there.
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.
Lost time is never found again.
Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.
A joke is a very serious thing.
Don't be sorry, just improve.
I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Inside everyone is a graveyard. Buried there are the countless people they could have been.
Apologizing does not always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
Be sure to save your money. You never know when it might be worth something.
Fix a computer and it'll break tomorrow. Teach its owner to fix it and it'll break in some way you've never seen before.
The path of least resistance is what makes rivers and people crooked.
A person may be so much of everything that she or he is nothing of anything.
The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?
There are two types of people, those who do the work, and those who get the credit. Join the first group, there's less competition.
Don't be sad that it is over, be happy that it happened.
Many things you do will seem insignificant, but it is important that you do them.
no rain; no rainbow
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never criticize a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then if he didn't like what you've said, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Never let your schooling interfere with your education
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Some minds remain open long enough for knowledge not only to enter but to pass on through by way of a ready exit without pausing anywhere along the route.
You don't need to bring your adversaries to their knees, just to their senses
It never gets easier, you just get stronger
Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
It's important to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out.
Ignore the propaganda. Focus on what you see.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
If you don't fit in, maybe you belong to a different puzzle.
You never finish a project, you just stop working on it.
Be better than you were yesterday.
Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.
If it's important to you, you will find a way. If not you'll find an excuse.
The impossible does not exist; there is only the inconvenient. Greatness means embracing the inconvenient.
Obsessed is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.
Make quitting the only thing you're not good at.
It's never too late to be what you might have been.
"If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." -Steve Jobs
It's a poodle. Put it on delicate.
Although the module is mathematically correct, the solution is physically impossible. Either that, or you have actually created mass, and I will apologize for underestimating your power.
Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?
Freedom of speech is wonderful--right up there with the freedom not to listen
The world is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance
A professional is an amateur writer who didn't quit
When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more brick layers.
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.
Don't go through life, grow through life.
Being offended is not a defense - it's the last resort of those without an argument.
It's important to distinguish between the world as we know it and the world as we would like it to be.
If I agree with you then we'd both be wrong.
Be careful of the words you say, keep them soft and sweet; You never know from day to day which ones you'll have to eat.
Life is about finding exactly the right wrench to pound in the required screw.
You just keep doing what it looks like you're supposed to be doing, no matter how crazy it seems.
When you have to make a hard decision, flip a coin. Why? Because when that coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you're hoping for.
The difference between who you are and who you want to be is WHAT YOU DO.
If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
We can evade reality, but we cannot evade the consequences of evading reality.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
If you believe that dreams can come true be prepared for the occasional nightmare.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it's forever.
There's a mighty big difference between good, sound, reasons and reasons that sound good.
Remember that guy who gave up? Neither does anyone else.
People change and forget to tell each other.
There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.
I don't want to believe. I want to know.
The fool wonders, the wise man asks.
True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it is lost.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know".
If you're generally good at BS'ing, it means you don't hang around people who are smarter than you.
You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need.
To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
You should learn to be assertive, but not with me.
Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.
It is easier to go down a hill than up, but the view is from the top.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Obedience hardly ever begets innovation.
Be reasonable. Do it my way.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
Real worth requires no interpreter: its everyday deeds form its emblem.
So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh.
When two opposite points of view are expressed with equal force, the truth does not necessarily lie midway between them.
The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
A ship in harbor is safe–but that is not what ships are for.
When are you going to realize that you can do whatever you want?
When you're about to give up, remember why you started.
Nothing is easy to the unwilling.
Its called exercise. Do it.
Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
You may delay, but time will not.
People who have achieved great things have been great dreamers.
Set baby on stun.
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
The price of greatness is responsibility.
I never learned from a man who agreed with me.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
One of the great tragedies of mankind is that morality has been hijacked by religion.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many!
I finally got it all together--but then I forgot where I put it
Live now. procrastinate tomorrow.
If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
A pile for everything, and everything in its pile
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the rat to die
Aim high. if you miss your target, at least you won't shoot your foot off
You can't achieve the impossible unless you attempt the absurd
I won't ever grow up. My biological clock has a snooze alarm.
Pick your enemies carefully--they're harder to get rid of than friends
Good manners is the art of pretending one is not superior
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Don't blame me--I was raised by humans
Isn't it interesting how your annoying habits are so much more annoying than mine are?
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
You can't be a figment of my imagination. I'd have done a better job.
If you're punctual, no one else is there to appreciate it
I like noise. I need noise. When it's too quiet, I can hear my brain cells dying.
Be careful when you're playing under an anvil tree
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door
I'm not breaking the rules--I'm just testing their elasticity
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I may not understand what you say, but I'll defend to the death my right to deny it
The problem with hammering a square peg into a round hole isn't that hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg.
I have no shame. I sold it because I wasn't using it.
I know that every time one door closes, another door opens, but why do these hallways have to be so dark?
Have an adequate day
Instant gratification isn't fast enough
I'd rather be easily amused than impossible to please
If you can't fight and you can't flee...FLOW
A successful person can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others throw at them.
Perfection is a state of mind. Nobody is perfect, there is only preparation. One who appears to be perfect is the most prepared.
With confidence, you have won before you have started.
Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Don't bother me, I'm busy conserving energy, momentum, and angular momentum.
These days people seek knowledge, not wisdom. Knowledge is of the past, wisdom is of the future.
I think it's quite clear that you're smarter than I am, so don't bother pointing it out.
Dial-up had it's benefits. For example, I no longer fear hell. I mean, really, how much worse can it be?
I was put on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind, I will never die. 
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. 
No trees were killed in sending this message. However, a large number of electrons were seriously inconvenienced. 
This little arrow thing keeps following my mouse, and I can't make it go away. 
I'm sorry I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. 
Happy hour: when you imbibe great quantities of depressant 
This is just not happening. I'm sure I was smarter than this when I went to bed. 
Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the first place 
Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances? 
I don't want to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I could read with pleasure 
Efficiency is doing things right; effectiveness is doing the right things.
I hate being cheered up. It's depressing.
I like life. It's something to do.
I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.
I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would be better than what I have now. 
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
Meandering to a different drummer
I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
I'm GREAT at immaturity. I've been practicing for years
Nothing can stop me. Not even common sense.
Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood. 
I said it was weird. I didn't say I wouldn't do it.  
In this world, you have to be oh so smart or oh so pleasant. I spent years being smart. I recommend pleasant. 
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle
I saw that you were perfect, so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect, so I loved you even more. 
Life should consist of at least fifty percent pure waste of time and the rest in doing what you please 
Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding that limit.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Everyone shares my opinion. Some people realize it sooner than others.
I will defend to the death everyone's right to my opinion
Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music
When all else fails, stay in character
DO NOT DISTURB Occupant is disturbed enough already
If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.
Like a castle, you have to build walls unless you want to fight every person who comes along
I'm so bored I may have to resort to doing some work
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig.
I'm not being argumentative. I'm just contradicting you.
Road Rage - caused when a normally calm person is forced to share the road with morons refusing to use the right lane.
Had a life. Traded it for internet.
Only borrow from pessimists--they don't expect to be paid back
You can never reach the goal if you don't set one.
Good leaders are scarce, so I am following myself.
It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.
The trouble with having an open mind is not knowing what might crawl in when you're not looking
Always sleepy but never sleep
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth
Don't worry about who you step on when you're on the way up if you don't plan on coming down
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.
I can only please one person per day. Today I choose me.
I'm like a superhero, but without powers or motivation
Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.
Learn from everyone, follow no one, watch for patterns, and work like hell.
Not only do we not learn from our mistakes, we also don’t learn from our successes.
The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.
Start where you are, Use what you have, Do what you can
No matter how filthy your past, your future is still spotless.
No major project is completed on time, within budget, or by the same staff who started it. Yours will not be the first.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.